Back With A View

Well it's Christmas day and I have spent an entire day trying not to feel sorry for myself and doing a pretty good job of it too.

I sent about a hundred cards, text messages out to my nearest and dearest plus at least two hundred messages on various websites and chat forums before I met up with the family for a lavish feast.

The most tenderest cuts of meat, a thick cranberry sauce, roasted parsnips and carrots that I personally detest but smelled great, light and fluffy yorkshire puds, duck fat roasted potatoes, broccoli and the ever present brussel sprouts heralded the first truly scrummy home cooked meal I have had in many a month and had me heading back for seconds regardless of what the afters may be.

( Yes, if you haven't already guessed it, this is gonna be a long one, but it's my blog and I'll write whatever I damn well chose to and if you dont like it you can go surf for something else ).

So anyway, there we were at the dinner table and I told them about the impromtu game of charades that our friend Doug made famous with his audible and highly dubious ghost and dinosaur impressions and before I knew i was doing it, I mimicked the blackadder charades sketch and then launched us into our own game. It was great.

New York

Day 0 - we arrived at the airport and took sooooooo long to get through customs that by the time we got to the hotels it was about 10.30pm and too late and knackered to do much, so we just checked and got as much sleep as possible for the next day.

 

Day 1 - met up early and went for a fantastic breakfast at a diner in the centre of Manhatten, which has singing waitresses and the food was superb also.

 

After breakfast we went on a movie style guided tour of the island, where our guide would point out the locations and sights that had been used in hollywood blockbusting movies and also successful tv shows like Seinfeld, Friends and the Cosby Show.

 

Following the tour we went up the Rockerfellar Centre, took a few photos and admired the view. What was very cool is that just when we chose to go they were doing a live outdoor weather forcast and so we loitered around and managed to become part of the crowd scene making this my first ever time to be shown on live tv around the world. Yay, go me.

 

From their we then split up our little band for the day as they were off to watch a baseball game and I chose instead to grab a stage show of Avenue Q, not being the greatest lover of baseball.

 

Day 2 - met up early as we had a stunning helicopter ride all planned, but it was pushed back due to poor visibility in the uncharasteristic morning fog. So instead we grabbed another diner breakfast and went to see Wall Street and ground zero { site of the ill fated twin towers } before going back for the helicopter ride, which was awesome.

 

After the helicopter ride we did some shopping and investigating the city before we all headed off back to out rooms to get changed for the evening. The rest went to see the stage show Mary Poppins but I had already got my sights set on watching the movie Bourne Ultimatum { going to the cinema is something I always try to do in a foreign country }.

 

The film was good, and the cinema itself was plush and well looked after and then we all met back up again for a meal and drinks til we all fell asleep. The rest eventually wanted to go nightclubbing but I had an early start that morning so I took off.

 

Heading off from the meal a little drunk I got a bit turned around and totally lost track of where the underground train station was and once I found by bearing I started walking to where I wanted to go and hoped that I would bump into an entrance soon. However once I got started walking I was like Forest Gump, I just kept on going, and ended up arriving at my hotel room about 3.15am after walking almost the entire length of Manhatten Island.

 

Day 4 - Sadly I had done so much walking the previous night that I totally overslept and missed my tour bus departing for Boston, and as it was a day trip the others already had made other plans and were gone from their hotel room by the time I woke up.

 

So instead of a 12 hour round trip to see the sights of Boston I just did more of the same walking, movies, shopping and sight seing.

 

We had all arranged to meet up at the top of the Empire States Building at 10pm this night, however I had overused my cellphone as a camera and by the time I got there the queues were so long and thick I was unable to find them in the throng, so I just did the top myself, bought a few soveneirs and postcards { that I have still yet to post ... arghhhhh } and then headed back to my room for a good nights rest.

 

The next day the gang were again up before me and already at the port to see the Statue of Liberty when I was calling them to see what the days plans were, so we agreed to meet up later while I made my own leisurely way down to see the famous lady myself.

 

After the river cruise round Ellis Island, I chose to grab a bite to eat in Little Italy and sample China Towns own authentic foot and back rub specialists. The massage was good, but a little too firm for my liking and I very much doubt I will ever ask to be walked on again for as long as I live.

 

Then again more of the same, before I ducked back to my room to grab some rest for the night clubbing. This was all arranged for the last night to keep us all awake in time to catch the 3am bus ride back to the airport as we had a very early flight the next morning and I doubted my chances of normally waking up at 5am if I was not already still awake from the night before.

 

The night clubbing ended up being a Karioke bar called the Black Cat Pussycat Club, which was funky and the only thing that spolied it was that I got too drunk and ended up knocking some poor guys drink all over the floor as I was leaving.

 

Day 5 - met up again with the gang before a very quick ride to the airport where I had grossly overestimated the time needed to arrive in time for the flight and so we all ended up falling asleep, me on the floor as the seats were not as confy as my padded rucksack and bomber jacket.

 

It was a shame that my flight back was away form the others and also that the Virgin flight attendants seemed to have it in for me, as they would not let me sleep no matter how many times I tried to ignore them and their stupid rules about what I could or could not do during take off and landing.

 

Arriving back in the UK late I had just enough time to say a quick farewell to the others before catching a trian home, arriving around midnight and still jetlagged from an exhaustive week away.

 

All in all, it was a good holiday but it could have been better if we had managed to meet up as a group more, but then it was the first time I have done a group holiday and learned many things through the experience.

Emotional Pain

It is a sad day when I have to stop blogging over the internet because so many of my close friends and family around me just don't understand me.

 

They just don't like the emotion that I put into things, and I often have people say "oh please dont say that about me" even though it has nothing to do with them.

 

It really is a bad sign when the only way to get through spending time with people is to tone down my own emotions towards them and sensor what I talk about or else face the wrath of upsetting them plus being branded a weirdo, loser, freak, stalker or whatever.

 

So what to do, well firstly just back away slowly from them all and secondly accept the harsh fact that the life of a hero is mostly a lonely and misunderstood one.

 

I cannot share this with anyone else, I cannot except or ask for much help along the way, and I must accept that I will go out as I came into this world ... alone.

 

 

 

 

Wedding of Choice

In the last two weeks I have had the pleasure and honor to be invited to two wedding. Being that I am a firm believer that in almost all cases numbers and space are at a premium when it comes to weddings, so I considered it to be rude to not attend unless I already had some else equally important prebooked for that same day.

 

What made these two particular weddings made me feel a mixed bag of emotions was the brides and grooms. I am trying to find the words to explain this, but it is nevertheless going to come over wrong, as so often do inner emotions when you try to get them to come out.

 

I knew both the brides, knew them both very well, knew them both longer than the grooms had, got on incredibly well with both the brides and to quote what I was informed on one of the weddings "Well you missed your chance there!".

 

The truth is that there was a strong probability that I could have / should have / would have been a groom for either of these beautiful woman had I not been me. For some unfathomable reason I chose not to progress things with either of the brides when I had ample opportunity and when they showed signs of being interested in me.

 

I can't say it more clearly than that I am mad or perhaps deluded myself into thinking that I could do even better or maybe I am just afraid to commit. My main defence that I might venure was that at the time I had a nagging doubt that any relationship between us could last and thus I sought to protect them from any possible heartache by not starting the relationship in the first place.

 

And the lesser defence would be that although I care for them both deeply, want only their well being and love them as a person I didn't quite feel head-over-heels in love with them, as I have for other women.

 

So what am I bellyaching about then, I hear myself say, if you weren't in love with them then what the problem? The problem is that I am still single and I do want children and to get married and here are two lovely women, both of good character and background, and both liked me at one time or another and yet I did nothing about it, and now I have lost that chance forever.

 

The thought did occur to me to voice my "just impediment" when prompted by the vicar and then declare my undying love, but dismissed it just as quick as I knew I would never do anything to spoil their big day and also I am still unsure if I could ever truly fall in love with either of them.

 

But the fact remains that I happily went to two weddings, gladly toasted the good health and happiness of the bride and groom at both and yet left both reception parties early feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

 

I am unsure if it is better to live alone or to engage in a relationship that without true love, but what I am 100% sure of is that if ... IF ...  I ever do get married I pray to all that is good in this life that my bride will truly love me half as much as I will no doubt love her, as it will utterly break my heart to know that she married me for the wrong reasons.

I am still alive

Yes indeed, I am still alive - contrary to the fact that my blog and emails have been remarkably scarce in the last two weeks.

 

Indeed even this entry will be short and later deleted to be replaced by a proper one, so no need to leave comments on.

 

All I want to say is that I have had a hectic few weeks :-

continued on a gym regime waking me up at 6am every morning,

invaded germany,

remet up with half a dozen old school friends via facebook,

remet up with a few girls that I had a crush on as a youth { and wouldn't you know, despite the years the embers still glow dimly ! },

been to two weddings { which need a WHOLE LOT of discussing },

lost and replaced an annual season ticket,

bought a bike { that was faulty and broke the first time I gave it a proper test, thus off it goes back to the shop },

bought another bike,

repaired a broken few fence panels,

set a time and date for my heroic journey to begin { 11.30am, Monday September 1st 2008 - yay, go me } and,

learned about an unfortunate relationship that is very close to me that seems to be floundering on very rocky ground.

 

And that's just all I can remember off the top of my head, so let alone all the other small stuff that goes on in the day to day traffic of my life.

 

So for now, enjoy your day and have a great one and this will probably be replaced some time before I leave for New York next Thursday.

Dickonius is coming!

I can't help but feel that at things are looking up for me and my trip around the world later next year.

After being invited to a close friends barbecue on Monday night, I was introduced to a Danish lady who has been to over 30 countries and lived in places as far away as Thailand.

Her story is inspiring stuff and we had a great time making a nuisance of ourselves on the train from London to Chatham, as we did nothing but talk long and excitedly about the forthcoming trip to Scotland where we will meet up again.

Meanwhile, at work yesterday I decided that perhaps time management was a key in overcoming my desire to get more active and fit for my voyage. So ignoring how it might have looked or sounded, I devised a schedule of housework, fun time and an early morning regime of trips to the gym between 6.30 and 7.00.

Last night I put the first part of the plan into operation and insisted we go to the cinema at the earliest possible opportunity, and once we had returned I did not switch on my pc, but instead tidied the house, ironed a shirt in preparation for this morning and then was in bed by midnight.

Waking up at the ungodly hour of 5.45am I was up, more housework, exercises and then off to the gym for a half hour of cross training and rowing. A sweat induced half hour later I was in the shower before calmly strolling out the door and catching a train into work a good half hour earlier than I have for months.

The next hour I plan to make use by studying Spanish, but as its not yet stored on my mobile, I took advantage of the situation and fell asleep til the train pulled into Victoria.

Then it was another calm and pleasant stroll through Green park to stop off at the supermarket to grab some fresh fruit and muesli before arriving at work early enough to be the first of my department into work with time enough to spare to write this entry before I have to start work.

It is too early to say yet if I will be able to stick to this for an entire year, especially as there will be the occasional drinking session and party to juggle, but so far I can only say that it's 100% success and the breakfast juice I am quaffing right now has never tasted better.

Look out world ... Dickonius is coming !

A Fond Fairwell To Words

I was going to start off by jotting down some flippant comment about life being like a woman, but then thought better of it. Instead I will just write a fond farewell.

 

Writing a diary style blog is always a problematic enigma, with no easy answer.

 

If you have time to write it, then its probably that your life's too quiet and thus you have nothing worth writing about, or if you do have enough exciting stuff would reading about, then your too busy actually doing it them to find time to write, { unless you actually stop doing stuff you like to fit in time to write the darn thing }.

 

Normally things go in bouts, such as there is a glut of doing stuff and no writing, followed by a lull in anything to do which leaves time for a mammoth writing session, and then it swings back again. As I said, normally, this is how my life has worked.

 

However recently I have had precious little time to write, and even when I have it has been at the expense of either something I would enjoy doing more or something that really needed doing and was put to the back of the to-do-queue yet again.

 

Each time I switch my computer on, I have to battle and juggle the various temptations of surfing the net for the usual stuff, reading my mates blogs, invading countries in a WWII game, zapping some poor NPC on WOW, seeing if any of my friends are online to chat via messenger, see if my various profiles have viewed and/or been left a message and all of a sudden its 1am ... my eyes are red and stinging, I've missed another meal time and I have to struggle to get up and hope that yet another evenings slouching won't give me chronic back again, not to mention hoping that I can wake the following morning in time to shower and still catch my normal train.

 

Frustratingly, in my view the Internet has now replaced the TV for being the number one mind & time sucking monster device in my life. It's far too easy to switch on, get comfortable and then instead of flick flick flick with the remote, its click click click with a mouse.

 

As a hero in training I have to stand up and conquer my demons before I can face the epic journey of completing my set tasks. I have to be at the top of my game, mentally and physically fit, always able at the drop of a hat to perform some challenging feat, not taking a number or watching someone else do it on Youtube.

 

If time permits, while at work I will do a few minutes surfing or reading, and I might even get to type a few lines too, but right here and now I am temporarily trading in my writers hat in for a stretchy sweatband, swimming goggles and pair of weather worn running sneakers.

 

It won't be forever, but it will probably be until after I get back from my world wide trek, so best not expect too much or too frequent in the next two years. Two years ... it sounds a lot its true, but with so much other stuff to keep everyone occupied these days, I probably will be saying 'Hi' again before most people even realise I went away in the first place.

Busy Doing Nothing

This weekend I have been exceedingly busy doing nothing at all, and I feel that I am quite getting good at it.

On the socialising side, my lodger is away, my dad is tending a wounded wife ( domesticated pet attack, don't ask ! ), my close family had a day at the beach and all my good friends are busy making bread, trotting off up north to see old flames, watching planes go by, planning for weddings - you know, the usual sort of thing.

Each and every one a perfectly respectful and adequate reason to not want to see anyone this weekend but, well darn it the timing of all of them to be busy at the same time is not fair at all.

I could have done my own chores of course, to while away a perfectly good weekend, but I was lied to about the weather. If I had known that it was going to be glorious sunshine both days I would ignored the damaged cycle and gone right to repairing my garden fence.

If the weather had of been pelting down, then I would have been perfectly happy scrubbing the bathroom, shuffling paperwork or turning down the bed.

But as it was, with such a contrast of positive and negative aspects to what should have been, and indeed could have been a blinding weekend, I could only pluck up the interest to do no more than a few small bits around the house, watch a few movies, try to invade Germany as the USSR and read a few blog entries.

I didn't even manage to rouse myself into replying to a few emails that were semi urgent or finding my long lost A-level documents so that I could complete and return my recruitment agency from.

In the words of the 'now' Immortal Homer ... DOH

Two In As Many Days

Well, this is unusual, even for me!

 

In fact, if this keeps up I will have to re-evaluate my whole thinking of the old "milk of human kindness" being a load of old hogs wash.

 

Let me start at the beginning, as I've heard its a very good place to start.

 

This weekend, being unable to visit my dad due to bad timing and ill health, has meant that I was in possession of a costly return train ticket in excess of my current needs, and furthermore being a tight git at times, I had decided to return the ticket and claim a refund  { less a £10 admin charge }.

 

A few clicks of my online account and a refund was successfully registered as being requested, and then all that remained was me sending off the tickets to a postbox in Edinburgh.

 

Easier said than done, for I did not want to bend the tickets or send them by standard post { especially not at the moment with all the postal strike action } and my jacket pockets are not that wide or deep.

 

Sufficient to say that before I even reached the train platform on my way to work this morning, the entire envelope had fallen out of my pocket and left me red faced and aghast at the loss with my train due to arrive at any second.

 

Unwilling to head off into work being an envelope light, I retraced my route onto the street outside but with no luck, so slightly resigned I returned once more to the station.

 

Seeing no queue at the furthest tellers window I figured that I had nothing to lose by asking if it had been handed in and so I quickly nipped over and asked the very pretty and young female behind the counter.

 

As soon as I said it, her face lit up in a great beaming smile and she said that yes, one had been handed in just a few minutes ago, and without any delay or hesitation she passed it over to me.

 

Thanking her profusely, I felt a weight life from my mind, and I continued on down to the platform, passing another happy young guard who also smiled as she let me through the barriers, for of course my own ticket would not have worked on the automatic barriers so soon after my exiting to check the streets.

 

To make matters even better, my train was a few minutes late arriving but more than made up for the delay by the time it reached Victoria so I was able to walk calmly and happy into work, instead of being late and frustrated which is what I feared and felt the very moment I realised that the envelope was missing.

 

So many good things happening to me all at once, was too much and I couldn't resist the urge to smile and sing as I took the thirty minute stroll to my office. What a great start to my day, and at the same time being more than just one in the eye for those who say there are no decent people left in this old crazy world we live in!

Too Good To Be True !?!

Everyone over the age of ten must have heard the age old saying of, "If it looks { or sounds } too good to be true then it probably is".

 

In life there always have, and always will, be times when you either notice something, or more likely are presented with something, that at face value seems to be just too good to be true.

 

Some of the time { more or less depending on your own personality } your paranoia sounds like an alarm bell and you switch off without a seconds hesitation and then the situation is safely avoided.

 

Equally some of the time { again depending ... } your curiosity gets the better of you and stop to try and get a better perspective on things and see if you can spot the catch. Sometimes you spot something fishy and sometimes it just doesn't add up and so again you let it go and do nothing more.

 

But ... every now and again, you allow yourself to buy into the whole "it really is this good" line of spiel, and as the other saying goes ... " things start to happen when you say yes".

 

And why am I bringing this up ... well it happened to me the other month and because I was bored and at work I thought, why the hell not.

 

Oh, the scene, right, I forgot ... let's me start at the beginning.

 

It was a boring Thursday at work, and I'm busy as usual paper pushing a few excel printouts around my desk and desperately trying to look busy without actually doing anything. Then my desk phone goes and on the other end is some yank, banging on about that he is only phoning back as requested and as it's now my lunchtime, do I have time to complete a quick survey about our companies land line and mobile phone facilities.

 

Now, normally I'd not bother to waste my time as no matter how bored I am I still have no burning desire to squander any of my precious life minutes on something so unless, but then today is an extra long and boring day, and itis not like the survey could do me any harm so why not.

 

And then of course there was also the 'too-good-to-be-true' element as the guy is offering me £50 as an incentive for answering the survey.

 

Well ... I decided, what the hell, there's not really much to lose and what if I really did get the £50 for just saying a few yes's no's and maybe's, it wasn't like I was agreeing to switch provider or anything.

 

So I didn't just hang up or fob him off yet again, instead I dutifully answered his questions about how many staff we have? how often we call the states? how many staff took their blackberries abroad? and so on and so forth for about half an hour, and all the time I was waiting for the "thanks for your time and goodbye now" followed by a quick click as he hangs up, except it didn't happen.

 

Instead he asked me to give him my particulars so that he could forward my cheque, which I did of course, and only then did he thank me for my time and disconnect.

 

Now this was a few weeks ago now, so you can imagine my amazement when in the post today at work was a cheque in the sum of $154.00 made payable to "Mr D Springate". Gobsmacked was not the word.

 

It's a pity that my office is such a small and open planned affair as all the others in the accounts dept spotted it, and then pretty shamefully made me agree to take them all out to lunch on the proceeds if it actually cleared.

 

But even so, ignoring the £15 foreign currency charge I will have to pay, $154 is still £154, and if the cheque does clear without any fallout or unexpected repercussion then it will be a right result and my curiosity will never be the same again.

 

It's bad enough when my lifestyle seems to be based around the Avril Lavigne song "Anything but Ordinary", so when added with things like this happening to me all the time, is is any wonder I can't help but want to travel and do crazy things? it's like I was born into it !!!

 

 

Confusion

Just when I think that I have got a handle on women, they throw me yet another twist!

That has been the confused cry of billions of men all down throughout history, and is as true today as it was when William the Conqueror came over to England from France.

Thing is, in all this time, we still haven't managed to get any more idea of what they are doing, or why, and that's a pity.

It's a pity as it means that there will probably always likely be pointless arguements between man and his partner for all eternity.

For myself, I've given up trying to find a partner, or even trying to understand my female friends.

All I do now is enjoy the good companionship they grant me, try to experience as much that life has to offer, and hope more than anything that when things between me and them do go pear shaped { which they always do seem to do for one reason or another }  that the rift created will not be too deep and that before too long we can try to pick up the pieces and move on.

If anyone, male or female, has a better guaranteed way for me to try and view women / handle female friendships, then please let me know... { but send it to me privately so I can then announce it to the world publicly as my own and make a fortune in book sales, ha ha }

The Twelve Tasks of Dickonius

Ever since I wrote that first entry about becoming a hero I have not been able to think of anything else, and so the first thing I did when I got back home tonight was to do a bit of research on heroes.

Firstly, for the sake of the timing and metering, I will have to extend my name.. Heracles, Odysseus, Attila, Alexandra, Julius, Augustus, Asterix - all great men and all with names of more than two syllables.

Where as Dickon has but two syllables and just doesn't fit the bill properly. Hence forth, and for the sake of legend, I shall now be called Dickonius the Resourceful { just like my favourite hero, Odysseus - designer of the Trojan Horse }. I feel that this title is suitably apt as, just as what happened to my namesake, I seem to be dogged by terrible luck whenever I go travelling abroad.

{ I just hope that my final returning home doesn't strike a similar chord and end with me having to kill more than a dozen chav squatters in my house, as I've heard the local police aren't quite so willing to overlook multiple homicides these days! }

However, in labelling myself a hero, that is part of the problem. The heroes of yesteryear were most often than not rich and powerful warriors who commanded legions through a mixture of fear, experience and brute force.

But in today's slightly more delicate society these characteristics are not quite applauded as much as frowned upon, and it is much harder to acquire such wealth or social standing if not already born into it.

So I have to accept that my own heroic status will not be identical to those of my fore bearers, but perhaps I could still closely follow their achievements.

The Twelve Task { much abridged } of Heracles were :-

  1) Kill a lion { that is impervious to all man made weapons }

  2) Kill { with help} a many headed monster

  3) Capture a giant stag

  4) Capture a giant bear { and killed a friend while doing so }

  5) Clean out stables { requiring serious irrigation tunnels }

  6) Kill flock of giant birds { with aid of noise making castanets }

  7) Capture a giant bull

  8) Capture and tame 4 wild horses { and lost another friend while doing so }

  9) Fetch a woman's girdle { and killed the former owner by mistake } 

  10) Round up some cattle { and also killed the rightful owner, their pet dog and a shepherd }

  11) Fetch some apples { and swap places with a man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders }

  12) Fetch a dog { from the land of the dead }

Reading back over the list, it seems that all the tasks set involved bringing something back and / or killing something or someone.

Thus, using only a modest amount of artistic licence { and skipping  the unnecessary death and slaughter wherever possible } I see no reason why it is not entirely possible for me to complete my own set of tasks based losely on the originals.

After all, I mean, how hard should it be to dig a trench, round up some farmyard animals, pick some fruit and play a musical instrument, if you don't have to worry about the messy killings and runs in with the local law enforcement agencies afterwards!?!

However, in all fairness, all these tasks took Heracles over eight years to complete, and I would have a hard time taking more than eight months out of my life without financially crippling myself, so the time scale will have to be much reduced.

Also all the tasks set were for the benefit of Heracles King and / or the local populace, and while I do not bear them any ill will I have not sworn an allegiance to "my god, my queen or my country" since I left the Kent Army Cadet Force almost two decades ago.

And so, as I am now too old to enlist in this countries army, I would like to plan and execute a modified set of tasks, to be completed within a year and starting next August.

As part of the preparation, I will have to save up enough funds to sustain my effort, complete my Spanish course enough to basic conversation level and also probably learn to drive an automobile, but this only adds to the fun and to the difficulty level of the tasks at hand.

Exactly where, and what, the tasks will be I am still debating, but if I can have them even remotely mirroring the originals and still fulfil my own hopes of saving the planet / environmental conservation, then I will return a very satisfied man and quite rightly deserve the title hero.

On a final note, I am aware that it is considered anathema to boast about ones charity work these days, and likewise it is only through the works of others that we know anything at all about the heroes of the past.

Certainly as far as recorded history is concerned, Julius Caesar did not keep a diary, and neither did Heracles or Odysseus.

So to keep the symmetry going, I do not intend for my own words to be those that are read in years to come by anyone researching Dickonius the Resourceful. Instead, consider my blog merely an attempt to jot down a few rough notes in order to help keep the later accredited authors works chronologically correct.

There, that about does it for now I think .... job done.

Becoming a real life hero

For those of you reading this who have been following my blog of late { and there must be a few of you out there cos I'm seeing feedback and extra hits on my counter } then you will be aware that after coming back from Colombia I've been a changed man.

I was thinking of just switching jobs and taking a different city job to try and get away from the rubbish and politics that surrounds my normal working life.

However, it then occurred to me that my office is no worse than most other offices, and indeed quite a bit better than some, so to simply switch my current desk for one in a different London office is not really going to made a blind bit of different.

Personally, I believe that I am destined for more than what I have been doing with the last 30 years of my life, almost as if it has just been a prelude to my REAL life, and the kind of person I imagine myself to be is much more a doer than a thinker.

Now it maybe that I am just trying to write something to look cool, or then again it may be just plain stupid, but after a decade of being an accountant { and part time poet / DIY repair man and overall good-guy to my nearest & dearest } I feel that I would much rather be out saving something, saving anything, than just helping to amass a huge pile of A$ lever-arched folders of the red, blue and yellow variety.

Money has never held me in awe of its power or ability to influence things, but I do accept that it is needed to do almost anything these days.

But being an accountant ... I mean, really ... what earthly good am I doing anyone by sitting at a desk, getting steadily fatter and older, bashing out numbers on a keyboard day-in day-out?

Soooooooooooooooooooo - how about I swap my solar powered calculator for some strong walking boots and then go out into the real world and see what good I can do.


I love to help people, I enjoy working with my hands, I get a thrill out of seeing a visible reward for my efforts, the outdoors has a strong pull for me, I cannot get enough of travel, I get bored easily doing the same thing and I feel extremely guilty for not doing more towards the many flora / fauna conservation causes that I strongly agree with.

So, right at this moment, there is nothing in life that I would rather do that try to settle things at home and then go off gallivanting around the world, tending to elderly elephants, planting trees, unearthing lost archaeological treasures, saving sea turtles, rebuilding tsunami wrecked villages and teaching basic English in third world countries.

It may seem cliche, it may be cliche, but I'm not doing this for the author rights or to get the girl { though if they both come then it would be a definite welcome added bonus }, I am doing this as I feel that I am going slightly mad and the thought of resigning myself to another decade of office tedium will finish me off completely.

However, it seems that every day people abroad are getting kidnapped in far flung places, and so I will have to plan and time my choice of volunteering work very carefully. After all, a dead peacekeeper is no good to anyone!

I will also not want to lose my house, my pension or the chance of getting a job when I come back, so I will have to save lots this year and make plenty of arrangements to cover for the time while I am away and for the most likely emergencies that would force me to come back prematurely.

Travelling

I seem to spend a lot of my time thinking about, reading about talking about and writing about travelling.

Only the other month I found out that I am not the first person in my family to visit Colombia, as my uncle and aunt went there a few years back.

Neither am I the only person I know who has made plans to travel around the world. Plenty of people I know have taken years out and went backpacking across entire continents, and one guy that I occasionally catch the same train home told me just last week that he had successfully made three world trips.

My friend David has been to Timbuktu, and one of the consultants at work is so well travelled that he has gone to USA over seventy times, that's three times more visiting just one country than all the countries I have even been to in my entire life.

Now admittedly all these other people are older than me, with my uncle and the consultants both well into their retirement, but the truth of the matter is, I will never be the most travelled person I know unless I become a hermit or devote my entire life to doing nothing but travelling for the next thirty years of my life.

Is this such a bad thing? No, not really. Life is not all about being the world best at anything, or at lest not for me, it is about the journey. I could give up everything I know and do nothing but travel until my feet drop off or I really do become the most travelled man on the planet, but what sort of warped achievement would that really be.

Unless I have some great stories to tell, a few cracking photos to display AND some good friends and family willing to listen to me, in the end what will it all have gotten me!?!

In 100 years time, who would care that Dickon Springate surpassed all other men and travelled to every country on the entire world?

Would I be hailed as a revolutionary and spiritual guru with big marble statues erected in my honour, or be ridiculed as a lonesome wandering bum never recorded as doing anything worthwhile except juggle a myriad of passports or be able to ask "At what time does the train leave?" in a dozen different languages?

No, as I have said before, for me life is a journey not a destination. I have always intended to enjoy the ride and get as much out of it as possible, but to make it the only thing in my life would be to have made a wasted journey.

And so, although I am not handing in my passport just yet, I am considering exchanging my wandering shoes for something a bit more comfortable.

And The List Goes On

Yet another day, yet another crazy event ... you think that I would be getting used to it by now, wouldn't you!

 

What was so special about today I hear you ask? Well it being the first Monday in the month normally means 'Comedy Club' night, and in this tonight was no exception.

 

We arrived a little earlier than normal { my sister, her boyfriend and I } as we were unable to get through on the telephones to book any tickets beforehand, and at the kiosk they said that the comedians had all agreed to pick on the folks sitting at the back and thus choosing to sit at the front was the only safe place to be.

 

"Oh how they lied", and with hindsight, "Oh how I bet they wish they had stuck to their word", as if they had then the night would have ended so differently.

 

The compare was the Australian that I recognised from a few months back, who was funny in places, poor in others but had enough stage presents to hold it all together.

 

Allowing myself to be an easy target for my name of Dickon { I STILL say only the pathetic or the wankers would take the piss out of someones name } I bought him a few laughs and finished off nicely with a few quips about being a travel writer, which would have been fine if he didn't try and go into so much detail and almost had me admitting that I was lying and was really an accountant.

 

The place was only half full and I hadn't had quite enough to drink when the third comedian came up and made a right hash up of it. He wasn't really confidence enough to be funny and died with almost every gag he did, but he gamely struggled on for about ten minutes before preparing to make an exit.

 

Then in a last bid effort to make us laugh he said a joke about Jesus and the people he met, which "including tax payers and prostitutes", and as he said this he fatefully waved in the general direction of a couple of women at the side of the stage, and latched onto one who seemed to think he was talking directly to her by adding "yes luv, I mean you".

 

"Whadda mistaka ta macka"

 

Now I'm not sure he has ever tried that gag before, but I doubt he will have the confidence to try it again for a long time to come, as the woman and her friend then began a five minute muttering tirade before going downstairs and making a complaint.

 

This caught the attention of all within earshot and some of her comments were a bit over the top, for what was just a bit of opportunistic name calling, however she eventually sat back down at her seat but with a look of pure evil intent in her eyes.

 

Next up came the main headline act, and this is where it all went topsy-turvey.

 

As he walked up onto the stage he took one look at her, noticed her scowling face and for some unknown reason decided to direct his entire entrance and first part of his act to making her feel as small as he could.

 

He could have ignored her completely, he could have made a few quick one liner gags to break the ice and get everyone else laughing, but instead he chose to verbally attack her, insult her and strongly suggest that she leave, albeit in a slightly humorous way

 

At this stage I was cringing and just wanting him to forget her or for her to be too embarrassed and leave, mainly anything to end it as quickly as possible as I hate confrontations. However ... it was not to be.

 

She steadfast refused to leave, although she did rise to the bate and throw a lot of comments back at him, he in turn refused to let it drop and tried { and succeeded with the majority } to get the audience to back him and heckle her into what he hoped was enough of an outrage to the stage. He even offered to reimburse her entrance fees if she would just fuck off.

 

After about ten minutes of this, with nether side backing down and the whole think degenerating into a two way slagging match, in a bad display of temper tantrum the headline act said it was either her or him, and as the organisers were unable to coerce her to leave, he left instead, which pretty much ended the show then and there.

 

I'd like to think that he did it to try and prove a point, but any such hope was lost as he ended up walking out and thus disappointing the entire rest of the audience, and although a few insults were hurled at the woman for not leaving but equally they asked for complain / suggestion cards to fill in on their way out of the building.

 

The only thing that raised a smile before the very end, was one of the other members of the audience quickly jumped on stage and speaking into the mike did my favourite gag, "A guy walks into a bar ... ouch!".

 

I was oh so tempted to get up and follow that up, as I was sitting at the next table, with my "Cecil is a spider" joke but the truth is, I was not expecting it, I had not had enough dutch courage and the whole episode had got me out of the mood for risking mucking it up.

 

I am sure that if I had started and then ended up collapsing in a fit of my silly sea lion laugh then it would have brought the house down, but equally I could have been booed off half way through the joke, which would have really got me down and made me never want to go back again.

 

Thus I sat debating on whether to do it or not until the moment passed, and with my hesitation died the chance to start a Mexican wave of rapid fire jokes from around the room, as then the rest of the audience began to leave.

 

Darn my drinking coke and J2O to start the night with, as if I had had two more alcoholic drinks earlier in the night, and was a fraction more focus on the ball, I am sure that something miraculous could have risen from the ashes of the headlining fiasco.

Kill Bill - Vol 2

I've just finished watching Kill Bill - Vol 2, which was showing on the tv tonight, for perhaps the fifth time. Each time the emotion, the energy, the action and the whole genre get me going, but also each time I cannot help but remember a time in my past when I was growing up.

 

My former step father ( deceased for over a decade ) and I shared very few happy moments together. He was not what I considered a good person, a good replacement father figure or someone that took a lot of attention on his step children.

 

He knew that we all us six children disliked him, for one reason or another, but it was the prolonged unemployment following to the closure of Chatham dockyard that I believe was his ultimate undoing.

 

Now it is not like me to speak ill of the dead, and here I will try to not make an exception. In fact, following watching Kill Bill, it brings back perhaps two of the only good moments we really did share together.

 

The first was the name "Masamune".

 

Although my step-father rarely displayed an active role in my childhood interests, he did seem to know that I likes swords and the samurai. I have no idea if it was a coincidence, but just as I got my first computer, an Acorn Electron, he watched a tv documentary on the subject of sword makers and then told me to always remember the name Masamune, as he was attributed to be the finest sword maker in all of history.

 

Not having any spare paper or books at hand, I grabbed a pencil and wrote on the grey keyboard the name above a row of keys. Later he asked me what had I done with the name, and I told him that I had wrote it on my keyboard. He mistook my very literal meaning and thought that I had quickly programmed it in somehow and that I could get the computer to search of come up with the answer if ever I asked it. Not wanting to disprove his theory, I let him believe this.

 

The second is that of me being tied up in knots.

 

Coming from a naval background, much like any other sailor my step father was exceedingly good with rope and knots. With my own youthful passion for magic and escapology I actually asked him on many occasions to try and tie me up, so that I may attempt to wriggle out and free myself from the bonds.

 

As I was aged about nine or ten at the time, I doubt now that he made a serious attempt to tie me as well as he could have, and was indeed only doing it so that I could feel like I was escaping. It must have amused him inwardly to see me wriggle on the ground and think that I was better at escaping that he was at rope knots all the while knowing that he wasn't actually trying to prevent me at all.

 

I can't remember now why I stopped asking to be tied up so that I could practice my escapes, but I suspect that it was after we had another one of our falling outs and thus I went into one of my many strops and gave everything the silent treatment.

 

However now with I think back on it, this is perhaps yet another link in the chain of me wanting a adventurous lifestyle, one where the bad guys tie you up and then I escape and battle my way to freedom.

 

On reflection, maybe I am not nuts as such, just forever living half in a dreamworld from which I prefer to live than the one I inhabit most days.

Mind in a Vortex

Either I'm a completely lunatic, an eccentric philosopher, someone adrift amid their very own mid life crisis, a hopeful dreamer or a time travelling enigma that's just itching to explode upon reality.

 

These days I find myself more and more confused, surrounded by people that have l have trouble relating to and both ignorant of what my future holds at the same time as being acutely aware of how fast time and the years are rushing past.

 

I am sure that there are countless millions of guys out there than in their childhood dreamt of becoming a James Digriz, Jack Killion, Indiana Jones, Jake Speed or Dirk Pitt.

 

A guy that is the typical troubled hero :- witty, clever, strong, rugged, handsome in a roguish sort of way, well travelled, unafraid to take risks, able to spot a trap a mile away, good reflexes, handy with a variety of weapons, has maybe just one or two super trusted and reliable friends, able to drive / pilot / ride almost anything, amassed many notches on the bedpost without securing Miss Right, cavalier, thrill seeking and with an unrelenting thirst for truth, justice and a super big payday.

 

And I am equally sure that less than 1% of them achieve a grown up personality or list of accomplishments anywhere like their fantasy idol.

 

Of the remaining 99% I would bet most either come to an premature end or reach maturity and find a mix of sport / tv / women / drugs / alcohol / work, enough to somehow get them so embroiled in the present that they forget that they ever wanted to be or do anything else.

 

But for me this hasn't happened. I maybe have the potential in me to do many great things, but for one reason or another I haven't { yet ! } but then neither has my life been overrun and dominated by anything  { or things } that makes me forget these childhood dreams.

 

Whether its a blessing or a curse, I seem to find far too much time able to sit and think about life, the universe and everything.

 

Even though there are many pulls on my life, none seem to occupy me for long enough or often enough to get a firm grip on my attention and hold it from wandering aimlessly, and so instead I think on my life, where it has been, where it is now and where it is likely to lead.

 

And what happens when I think about my life, I find it full of many interesting things in the past, but a fairly boring present and an immediate future that still seems to be just a bit on the sad and lonely side, no matter how I try to weight the dice in my favour.

 

And what do I do when my mind falls into a bored and frustrated funk?

 

I look back over emails of my past, I plan with friends both old and new about going on holidays to wild and far flung places { in search of adventure, even if I have to create it myself } and I remember gladly that in 30 years my mortgage will be paid off AND not to mention that as I've already been throwing a hefty chunk of money each month into my pension pot for the last 8 years of so, my retirement should not be dull through lack of available funds.

 

But is that enough to satisfy the restless adventuring spirit in me, not by a long shot. Even before the bedsheets grow cold from the last romantic interlude I am already deciding who I should really be trying to date, the holidays I take are always too short and too far into the future, and my pension seems a waste of current available funds if I am to end up with no partner to enjoy it with and no children to lavish all of my affection and hard earned wisdom upon.

 

So what is the answer? ... Well if you know, then PLEASE drop me a comment and maybe you can save me before I embark upon my next mad capped adventure far from home in search of anything to appease my overactive imagination.

Rules of Engagement

I have had it mentioned that this trip to Bogota so far has not been the most successful or action packed of adventures, and while this will have pleased mum and a few others back home who still call me crazy for coming here in the first place, its with equal doses of a few emotions that I agree.

The things that I generally do on holiday are not every ones cup of tea, and if everyone thought the same way then life would be boring, but to me they often bring a little form and structure to judge between places.

Firstly when I visit a place I want to know someone there, so that we can go around and do the local scene and not just the tourist areas. Having been given warnings of "don't stray from the hotel" being issued for just about every city outside of the Medway towns that I visit, its harder to do this and get the full measure of a place.

Likewise everywhere has its own charms, its own kinks and comparing two places often seems like comparing a fruit to a vegetable - similar but just not on the same level. So whenever I go anywhere I try to do lots of stuff, see many of the sights, meet the people, but also to do a few things the same everywhere and thus have a yard stick of comparison.

Thimbles, keyrings, postcards, McDonald's, hand fan, Internet cafes, litter, architecture, hotel room information leaflets, traffic, language - a whole host of seemingly random things but in my mind they help put things in perspective and its why I shy away from the "all-inclusive" deals that seem so sterile of originality that they may as well be in another town in the UK - just a bit hotter, or nearer to a beach of whatever.

I think this was one of my long ago ex's fault, as even after we parted company and stayed friends she encouraged me to just go to somewhere that you have never been to before and just see what happens.

Now as Ive done that a few times and been bored shit-less, these days I do try and fill my time a little better, plan it more, have a few backups in case my plan A goes awry { and for some strange reason don't they always!! }, and even then I'm not immune to a few last minute hiccups.

Next stop, the America's.

There is always a little bit of nervousness when i embark on my next crazy misadventure, and this one is no exception.

It did not help that today was also almost the day when we made our receptionist at work redundant, which didn't really help the mood of the atmosphere in the company.

What made it even worse is no one except me and Amy going to her leaving lunch, few people chipping in for her leaving card or present and everyone shooting out to go to their own secret lunch that started at 12.30 and didn't come back, not that they told me that until I realised at 5.15.

Some people have no people skills and it shows.

My anger at the injustice of it all was too much for me and so I just grabbed my bag and walked out at that point, without even saying goodbye to my boss, not that in her frazzled state she would have noticed anything amiss.

Getting to Gatwick was a bit of a struggle as I always seem to end up stuck in the slow moving queue of mental inadequates who are unable to decide where they want to go, when they plan on coming back ( if at all ) and how they want to pay.

When the queue next to you goes down faster than a zip line and you think your growing roots is never a good sign when you know that your bushed tired and a hotel room is still an agonising hour away.

Once I got to the airport finding my way out and into the open air was just as much of a task, and i followed the signs to the "hotels" only to find that unless you break down a emergency door you cant get out that way, and had to double back and find the arrivals lounge and go from there.

Once across a longish road I was there all safe and sound and able to make my way to my room, at last... where i jumped in the showed before bed only for mum to call the second i turn the hot water on.

Life eh .... who knows WHAT will happen next.

But, apart from a short stop over to change planes in Atlanta, I will be in Bogota before my head hits the pillow for a second time.

The latest wacky day

A day to beat all crazy days.

There is no denying that my life is mixed up, and that most of this is my fault either through action or inaction to some degree or other.

But if, even just a few months back, anyone would have told me what today would entail I would have been silently signalling for the men in white coats to come and take them away.

Today started off with me putting a few last minute adjustments to assisting my friend with his overdue tax refund.

Then I took a trip to work, via the wrong train station and bought my ticket, whilst waiting in line for a blue eyes and grey haired silver tongued devil to get his ticket and flirt outrageously with his much younger and prettier assistant at the same time.

The once I got to work I had go into a meeting with my pension adviser who informed me that unless I invest over £400K in the next 35 years I cannot retire early on anything less than a measly £12K per year annuity. He also suggested that if I didn't have kids now I would never be able to afford early retirement.

Then I processed an automated cheque run at work for people who wont sign any cheque in less than 36 hours notice unless its made out to them personally ( and if i try to hide their cheque at the bottom of a pile they will take the time out to look for it instead of just sign the entire stack !).

After that I took out my pretty young Colombian receptionist for perhaps the last time while we work together, as she is being made Redundant on Friday, and tried to arrange with her if I could go and visit her family while I am in her home country next week.

Followed by a few hours of mind numbing boredom in the office cellar dead archiving old files that are not even that old and thus cant be send off for at least the next 8 months.

After work I took a tube to meet me brother in law at a tube stop that neither of us had ever been to before, and its here where my day started to get really interesting.

We stopped off at a pub for a swift drink while he explained that he was in yet another deeply back funk and I reminded him that is he was going to even attempt to pass any blame at my sister or their three children that he should just jolly well stop right there.

Moving swiftly on we then set about making semi-funny comments about sharing a drink in a back alley London pub opposite a defunct horse hospital whilst waiting for an amateur film festival from a group calling themselves the Blow Back and Rainfall. As you can image there were a few slurred references to "London blow job and golder shower animal farm porno movies" that on reflection are best left to the imagination of the individual reader.

The next few hours were spent waiting patiently in an ever filling miniature renovated film stage whilst the organisers painfully and repeatedly tried to get a projector image of size X onto a blank canvass backdrop of only size Y, where X would only ever be smaller than Y if you reduced the image down to the size of a postage stamp.

The perk of this place was that once a month you get to watch a few amateur film clips in a cosy, if still bizarrely located and still horse smelling ( is it every possible to fully eradicate the smell of horse manure from a stable ? ) moviedrome arena whilst supping a few of the free Cobra Beer's that were being chilled and given out as further inducement to turn up.

The sketch that was a revere remake of part of Bruce Lee's film the Game of Death, was a contender for best short film, as was an almost silent film about a fish not called Wanda trying to escape in a very much Nemo fashion whilst the owner gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to his suicidal wife.

But hands and feet above the rest was a comical semi-true-life video diary of a couple of guys in a mini trying to drive to Mongolia and the mishap that befall them, including the several ditches and the vodka swilling mechanics who could sing and dance but not fix vehicles.

Also on offer was a bizarre Spanish teen romance slasher comedy type thing, a couple of ones about London's stone men statues, a tattoo removal kit and a few more than don't even stick in the mind even this soon after the fact.

On our way home, we stop off at Victoria station, after scaring the late night commuters with our brothers-in-law-drunken-arty-bollocks style of rambling conversation and the occasional sub-game of "spot the hooker or is she just desperate for a shag tonight".

Sadly, or perhaps not, today we had no takers and almost all of the women were wearing clothing that was suitable for the weather outside and not even the slightest glimpse of any fish-net stocks and mini skirt wearing tarts with more jewellery, make up and perfume than 5 normal women could possible wear at one time.

At Victoria we managed to order a couple of burgers from the delightful Russian beauty behind the bar, but I failed to get her attention long enough to even read her name tag let alone obtain a smile or laugh from her.

What I did manage to do was pass on my credit card details to a friend who was then booking up our group holiday to Rome, and not to mention hear a slightly panicked mother on my voicemail who was hoping that I was going on holiday to anywhere except Colombia.

I have to wonder about myself when I think back and know that my loving mother would honestly prefer me to get drunk and laze on a beach ogling the local girls than travelling to the places where I chose to visit on my time off !?!

Having parted with my bro-in-law at Victoria I then have long train journey home where a couple of university professors debate the highbrow and deep intellectual issues such as "if money is removed would not bartering take its place also identically".

Names such as Aristotle, Karl Marx, Hitler to name but three cropped up, but once they started on about Buddhism then I knew that I was too drunk to remain quiet any longer and calmly stood up and walked down the carriage away from them both.

Coming back home I then had the wonders of finishing off the last of my very own creation ... ginger biscuit cheesecake ( a damn good combo if I may say so myself ), taking out the garbage, explaining to a Brazilian friend that, 'No I don't speak any Portuguese' and 'No Spanish isn't the same at all" before reading a few joke emails and remembering the true story ( apparently ) that today George Bush had his $20K watch stolen while shaking hands with the Albanian President !!!

After that it was just a refresher msn conversation with my friend in Colombia, a bit of idle web browsing and signing off and completing my remortgage papers before bed. All in all a very full, varied and totally unique day to be honest.

Day's like today don't happen to many people. and having lived through this one today, that probably isn't a bad thing.

A Week Til D-Day

Yes, that's right ... in under seven days I will managed a feat that few travellers have successfully accomplished, or anyone else for that matter.

On Saturday 16th June 2007 { for the time being let us ignore the Indian Sub-Continent and the frozen wasteland of Antarctica } I will have successfully visited, and have laid my feet on good old Terraferma, of all six of the planets continental land masses.

Europe, Asia, Australasia, Africa, North American and South America will all have fallen to my passion for travelling - although admittedly they did give me a good run for my money and a few times I didn't think I would make it as unscathed as I have.

What makes my effort newsworthy is that I have accomplished them all without the financial backing of anyone else, with no media coverage and I would have made these trips solo.

In just over a weeks time, I can say that on my own I have walked the streets, fields and paths right across the globe by day and by night.

And what could make this accomplishment even more amazing, well ... how about adding the fact that I do not possess any firearm or knife!, or how about that neither do I own a full drivers or cycle licence!!, or that I have managed to do all this on a single income and still hold down a full London job.

Yes, that's right. Despite the mass news and media coverage detailing how very scary and dangerous it is to leave your house, or that every other country is full of murderers, guerrilla soldiers and corrupt politicians who are just itching to do you in, I have walked unarmed and {mostly} molested and lived to tell the tale.

Never again will I believe the hype and hysteria of headlines preceded with words like "have you heard the latest news, its just terrible".

I am living proof that if you heart is good, your mood jovial and approachable and you do not go looking for trouble, that the world should not be a place of fear and horror stories.

This world is not such a bad old place as they would have you believe, which is why I feel it is such a bloody crying shame that most of the Politicians, War-Mongerers and Industialists are so eager to destroy it.

However you look at it, what I have accomplished { or will have done in just a few days time } is worthy of some level of recognition and merit, whoever you are and whatever you have done.

New Wonders of The World

We all know that there were 7 ancient wonders of the world.

 

Well, through war, natural disaster and the collapse of a few empires there is only one left ... the Great Pyramid of Giza.

 

So some boffins have decided to have a go at selecting a few for consideration of the next set of 7 wonders of the world.

 

When you get time please go on, log on ( its free ) and vote for your chosen 7.

 

Here is the link to go there :- http://www.new7wonders.com/

 

For those who wanted to know what I chose ( but please chose your own, I am in no way a leading authority on these things ), my choice was ...

 

Angkor Wat (Cambodia), Chichen Itza (Mexico), Easter Island (Island off coast of Chile), Great Wall (China), Manchu Pichu (Peru), Stonehenge (England) and Timbuktu (Mali).

 

And anyone who knows me well can already guess that, having already been to China, living in UK, and off to visit Peru later this year, why and that given enough time and money I will delight in taking a few pilgrimages to see the magnificent vistas for myself.

 

Take care and peace to all 

Moral Dilemma

Dilemma :- You are standing in a small queue to withdraw some money out your account at your local bank ATM.

The queue goes down until it is just you and the person in front of you at the machine.

Just as the person at the machine is about to conclude their business they get a phone call, and completely forget what they are doing and walk away with their card in their hand.

You step up to the machine but as before you are able to insert your own card, oot pops a crisp £20 from the person in fronts account, who is even now still walking away unaware of what has happened.

So ... what would you do ? ( please comment with your answers and if you chose {i} then the funnier the better ) :-

a) stare disbelieving at it for while, unable to decide if this is a trick or not while the person walks round the corner.

b) take a good look at the person to see if you find them decent / attractive and thus worth making the noble gesture of chasing after them.

c) call out to them in a loud voice, hoping that they will hear you and run back to collect it.

d) discuss the matter with the other people in the queue to see what they feel is the right thing to do.

e) slyly palm the note and continue as if nothing unusual had happened.

f) hurry up your own transaction, so as not to lose your place in the queue, intent on chasing afterwards and returning it.

g) grab the note without any hesitation and immediately run after the person to return it to them.

h) slowly complete your own transaction and loiter at the ATM for a few minutes expecting them to come back at any moment and ask after the missing note.

i) something totally different

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.
.
.
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This did actually happen to me a few minutes ago and I chose f) - only to lose my own place in the queue and have to wait another few minutes before getting my own money !!!

...

Having had a few replies to this via email I hazard a guess at making the a very broad conclusions ( which of course are open to interpretation )

a) you are a pessimist believing nothing good ever happens to you ( probably single )
b) you are a hopeless romantic, believing that good things happen to good people and vice versa
c) you are a closet opportunist but don't want to appear too much of one in public
d) you are clearly indecisive and unable to make your own decisions ( probably married )
e) you are a very confident person and feel no regret in taking advantage of others misfortunes ( you are probably single but have had lots of affairs / one night stands )
f) you are a bit selfish and only prepared to help others if it does not inconvenience you too much
g) you are honest to a fault, the fault being that you often let others take advantage of your good nature
h) you are full of good intentions but also a worrier and prefer to do nothing than do something wrong
i) you are one in a million ... totally unique, unpredictable and noone knows the real you ( probably single )

Honesty

To lie or not to lie, that is the question?!?

There is perhaps no greater ultimate truth than the statement :-"what women say they want and what they actually like are in fact polar opposites".

Now of course, no one except me knows the full story of my sexual history, background and past relationships, along with all its relevant successes and failures, though admittedly a chosen few would come closer than most. This has been a calculated act on my part, to try and avoid too much negative attention or awkward questions, but I never really considered the full implications of deliberately misleading people into having the wrong, or perhaps the right, idea about my sexual orientations.

So it is hard for me to understate how much of a blind-sided shock to the system it was when I say that during a recent conversation with a female (who will remain nameless) she admitted that one of the main reasons why she never considered me to be of relationship material, was because I am far too straight laced and prudish to be fanciable.

Now my friend, and lodger, Leigh is always and often chastising me about sounding all cutesy and poncey on the phone when talking with women, and likewise other friends have been puzzled by my lack of forwardness with the opposite success given my past and noticeable advantage over most other guys ( no prizes for guessing what and no, I'm not a typical bloke and lying or boasting ... just ask any of my ex's, lol).

But to know that a girl whom I find devastatingly attractive, funny, clever, witty and generally hotter than a smoking fox on a roasting barbecue, has admitted that the main reason why we never became an item was because I'm just not kinky enough for her, was enough to seriously make me reconsider my approach of the last dozen years or so.

If a guy with my track record can come off as prudish and lacking in sexual desire / passion then either the world is completely and totally F.U.B.A.R, or I am, and as she wasn't the first person to mention this, I have to begin questioning my logic on whether I've been right in hiding my past as much as I do!

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm single is actually because I'm doing it to myself .. like a woman who stays with an abusive and disrespectful partner yet wonders why he keeps hitting her, when all logic and reason scream out to her to run to the hills, or better yet castrate the b*st*rd AND THEN run to the hills.

Now I'm not suggesting (or admitting) that I'm a hormonally unbalanced nympho who has to have sex four to five times a day or else begin to seriously considering r*peing the next female that crosses my path ... but ... I am 100% certain of what I am, what I've done and what I'm still capable of, so the fact that a women I am very much interested in could view me as a nerd with a negative sexual desire is too far from the mark for me to be happy or content to let continue in the old carry-on-regardless spirit of things.

Now what precisely it is that I propose to do about this I am not quite sure, as there hasn't been that many openings recently to finally start my long overdue career as a male p*rn star, but something has to give, and first off I think it shall be my apparent sickeningly cute telephone voice. and after that, well who knows, but one things for sure ... hang on world, look who's coming (and yes, that pun was fully intended, however bad it may be !).

Laughing Til I Cry

Often there is a situation or joke that you find funny at the time, but equally and quite routinely can never reproduce at a later date in its original humour.

 

At parties with my friends, they often see not if, not even how long before, but how many times they can turn me into a hysterically crying castrated sealion, unable to defend himself from even the most inept of clubbers.

 

I have many different laughs for different occasions, but the best by far is the truest, the biggest and the most natural where I just end up flapping and rolling around on the floor unable to even catch my breath amid a barrage of high pitch 'Oah, Oah, Oahing' noises that would not be dissimilar to that which you would find in any seaworld parks across the globe.

 

Although it is a natural effect, it helps if those around me are smiling and laughing also, a small but potent of alcohol is administered a few minutes prior always helps but the key ingredient is that I have to be comfortable in my surroundings and a certain trust in who I am with at the time.

 

My friends birthday party last weekend had all the key ingredients in abundance, with enough to spare for everyone else as well, and as Leigh often sets himself up as chief sealion conjurer it was not long before my eyes were beginning to glaze over slightly, which is always a sure sign of an imminent mirth induced-mental collapse.

 

However it was a very innocent charade being performed by another old school chum, Doug, who managed to bring forth from me the desired result. Apparently he was trying to mime "The Nutty Professor", but all I got is someone with what I imagined were tentacles dangling from his head and making a eerie turkey gobbling noise.

 

Not laughing whilst reading this ... I didn't think so ... I'm not whilst I am typing this, but honestly IF YOU WERE THERE you would have found it { and me } the funniest sight ever in the entire cosmos and want to join me on the floor holding your ribs and trying to remember how to breath.

 

The only less-than-upside is that I was only able to end up in this helpless state 3 times that night and equally that not more of my friends were there to see me like it, as for me it is the best feeling ever to see those you care about smile and laugh along.

 

It's better than a pay rise, better than getting my first job or house, and yes ... even better than sex ( plus on occasions my laughing has lasted longer too !!! ).

 

And it is one of the reasons why I am so happy to be me and why I love my mum so very much, as this is surely where I get a large chunk of my sense of humour from. I love my dad equally so and from him I have got my desire of wanting to make others laugh - so because of the two of them I am blessed with a wicked and warm sense of humour and the sense to both share and enjoy it.

Wedding Bells

Last weekend was a double barrel of excitiment for me, as not only was a good mate getting married but it was also my good friend and lodgers birthday party the following day.

 

The wedding was a good little function just around the corner from my place, so it wasn't too hard to get all dressed up and walk round there and then plan on staggering back a few hours later.

 

As wedding functions went it had all the usual elements of elderly gents smoking and drinking their way to oblivion a random assortment of children running amuck and playing hide and seek under the tables and a few girls on the dance floor bopping to tunes that were out of favour even when they were released back in the 60's and 70's.

 

Sadly for me, I got there a tiny bit too fashionably late and got there after my mates had all gone to confirm their hotel confirmation bookings and thus left me to the devices of old ladies hoping to matchmake another pair of singletons, the children who want someone to get their balloons down from the ceiling and the barmaids who just want to make a few tips on passing trade.

 

After about half an hour of slightly sozzled mindless chatter with my friends 7 year old son I was about to more than ready to make a subtle exit when I was relieved to see that the bride, groom and mini entourage reappeared, which in turn signalled another trip to the bar for a few more drinks.

 

A couple of hours later still I did manage to extract myself from the hubbub of merrymakers and thankfully the rain had held off enough for me to stagger, crawl and bump along the short 5 minute walk home, relieve flooding through me like never before.

 

That said, I am happy for them both, and I look forward with eagerness as to when I can inflict the same punishment on my own family and friends, ha ha ha.

Barbeque from Heaven

Following on from the other weekends birthday karaoke party, which I only really held for my friends and work colleagues who are all based in London, I held a more traditional barbeque garden party in my back garden last weekend for the rest of my family and local friends, and I could not have asked for a better result.

 

Normally at parties you have a list of people you invite, some you know will come, some you hope will make it, others in a vein hope they might fit you in and a few more you invite almost out of lip service but not holding out any real expectations for them to make it.

 

When I drew up my list, there were quite a few of the former and only a handful of the latter invites, with invites going out by email, text but mainly word of mouth.

 

Sadly my lodger is more than a little sensitive to smoke at the moment, so he and his mini entourage had already RSVP'd in the negative weeks before, which left the list politically open to all if a little bare on numbers.

 

However I was shocked, stunned and greatly pleased that almost to a man everyone that I invited turned up, and at one stage I remember saying that "barring a handful who I knew could not / would not turn up, everyone that I really care about is here in my garden right now".

 

But the absolutely greatest thing was that as I had kept the list on the smallish side, I had no constant feeling of waiting for this person or that person to arrive, and so by less than halfway through I was fully relaxed and free from doubt to simply enjoy the evening.

 

My guests had done me proud, in both numbers and the amount of food and drink that they all brought with them, and classically I ended up with more grog than I started with. What is more my friend and brother in law took turns to tend the barbeque which left me free to float and mingle between all who had arrived and settled in a myriad of mini gatherings.

 

The night was free from heated arguments or fights, nothing got broken or damaged ( so maybe it falls short of being a true party, hmmm ), different groups of friends met each other for the first time and everyone seemed to have as great a time as I did, which is perhaps the best testament to its success.

 

I was a tiny bit embarrassed for a few moments when all my sisters and mother attempted to start a new 'Springate Tradition" by getting out scissors and started to trim my overly long lawn, and so before it could become too much of a running joke I got the strimmer out and gave it a quick haircut.

 

However, now that the tradition is set, I look forward with a large dose of mischief, in being duty bound to bring along a pair of scissors to all their outdoor functions and without exception make a show of finding a least a few blades of grass longer than the rest in need of shearing.

 

By the time it got really dark, not even the heat from the barbeque or my patio heater could prevent the winds from freezing all those left huddled around the table still munching and drinking, and so we headed inside.

 

Around midnight I was fading fast, and with only a handful of guests left who were all together laughing and watching Blackadder, I had to call it a night and evict anyone that wasn't intending to stay the night and then shut up shop as it was Monday now and I had to get up for work in only a few short hours.

 

I doubt I will ever manage to repeat the success of this one, without either having the guests arriving in shifts or by moving to a larger venue, but the relaxed and carefree nature of if all has left yet another warm fingerprint in my memory and soul.

 

The morning after I was still emotional enough to send round a text to all who came, thanking them for making it a truly amazing party, and I was all the more moved when a flood of replies came back thanking me in return for inviting them ... and a few cheeky ones already asking when the next time would be.

 

I believe that if everyone had friend and family like mine, and held regular barbeques to share and spread the love then I am sure that the world would be a much greater place to live in, one where wars, crime and hatred just weren't necessary.

It's 'Delish'

The Dictionary defines the word Delicious as ;-

 

adjective - 1 having a very pleasant taste or smell

adjective - 2 describes a situation or activity that gives you great pleasure

 

However I saw an item in a shop today, that was not only advertised as delicious, but indeed even included the word in its title.

 

Now personally, for the same item I am fairly safe in my assumption that I could easily get away with all the following words to describe it and be much closer to truth as well :-

 

Dry, Hard, Flat, Smooth, Small, Cold, Oval

 

And just what is the item that provoked this blog entry !?! ... a packet of mixed fruit and vegetable seeds, such as those from a Pumpkin or Sunflower.

 

So how is it that something with virtually no actual aroma and a very minimal taste can be described as delicious? ... well if I were you I would go and ask staff at your local Boots store.

 

I can only wonder if anyone who passes these 'delicious seeds' actually believes the tag line and actually goes

 

"Oh, look ... there are some delicious seeds to nibble on. How come these say delicious but my lunch here does not? Hmmm ... I think I could really do with something delicious to eat, so I will put back my piece of fresh fruit, chocolate cake, strawberry mouse and fish sushi and swap it for this packet of seeds. Yummi, now I know I am going to truly enjoy my lunch"

 

Who are they trying to kid ... but what it worse that they obviously manage to con some people into thinking this or else they wouldn't be selling them.

 

So MY only question, is who in their right mind believes this salespeak pack of lies and actually buys a packet of seeds really considering it to be a delicious alternative to proper food at lunchtime?

 

 

 

 

Adios black funk

I know I've not written back as fast as I had hoped but I've in a bit of a funk and feeling far too sorry for myself over the last week, and not writing as much as I should.

In fact, I was half way through a email labelled "Worst birthday ever", which goes to show how down and messed up I was a couple of days ago, but thankfully I'm out the other side and happier than ever.

Some people argue that Time is the greatest healer, and while I am not denying its potential for me sunshine, freedom and a couple of good films at the cinema was a much speedier way to recovery.

Heading down to my local cinema in the glorious sunshine, strolling down previously undiscovered { by me so far } tracks around grassy banks, overlooked by an old engineers museum and then reaching an almost brand new and still refreshingly semi-deserted cinema complex was a very calming and chilling experience.

Being able to watch two in a row, with barely enough time in between flicks to nip outside and grab a ice-cream and Fanta from the neighbouring shopping mall { far cheaper and made me feel a rebel for not paying the extorting cinema prices } was fantastic.

Complemented by the fact that both films were clever, well written and also with a definite feel good ending, I came out feeling that A) justice can sometimes be found - albeit at the end of a long snipers rifle, ha ha; B) that I need to get myself a motorcycle; and C) that being single isn't always a bad thing { no nagging or messy divorce settlements and one less person to worry about getting kidnapped while attempting to right a few personal wrongs !!! }.

The walk back was equally clear of traffic or passers by, and the route I took back also let me gaze upon the nearby field near my house where I could see a circus in the background, while a group of kids played soccer using their jumpers for goalposts.

And thus it was that despite walking back to an empty house { lodger away }, with a nasty cough { that's hung around for a month } after a less than awe inspiring birthday karaoke party the night before { the family was all away at a health spa weekend }, with the news an old enemy is just landed a higher salary job in my own company { the total b*tch } and having recently semi-amicably split from my newly met sexy asian girlfriend { possibly my shortest ever relationship so far } I still managed to find that extra spring in my step and feeling only a handful of loose change less than a million bucks.

In fact, I wasn't even going to bother trying to quantify why I feel I have had a bad run of luck recently, but then that would only be giving half a story ... so not that I care any more, but just out of completeness I had to leave them in.

Don't ask me why, I still don't know, but then when I feel this amazingly good when I almost have a case for singing the blues I'm not going to knock it or waste time asking questions, I'm just gonna get out there and keep on swinging.

There is no justice !!!

I must take back almost all of what I said in my last entry.

 

There is no justice in the world and I want to move to a new universe.

 

Despite knowing ALL the in's and out's of what went on with me and miss X, my boss has decided to still offer her the position in our relatively small and close knit company.

 

This means, that I will be forced to cross swords on a daily basis with someone whom I had to threaten with legal action and ended up having a nighttime visit from her semi psychotic brother to 'sort things out' once and for all.

 

The last time that I had any dealing with her I said that I would not attempt to make any form of  communication to her from that moment on, and now I will be forced to email or call her several times a week at least, plus see the 'fugly' as she comes in and deals with the rest of the management department who sit all around me in our open planned office environment.

 

Someone who I shared a confidence with, and related my inner most feelings about those around me, INCLUDING those who I work with, will now be rubbing shoulder with said same people, and with her knife still sharp and looking for blood, I'm seriously contemplating having my jacket modified to include a solid metal plate sewn into its backing.

 

And my boss ... well she said that she will keep an eye on her, that as long as I keep myself to myself she is confident that I can't fall foul of any legal shenanigans ( like sexual harassment brought against me ) and that she didn't think I seemed that upset or uncomfortable when I found out that she was applying for the position here in my company.

 

This is the reward I get for not insisting that she be denied the position, as in "its either her or me" kind of outright confrontation. No wonder the bad guys in the movies get all the best parts, the best scripts and the best chicks ... art mimics real life.

 

It's at times like these when I think that if there is a god, and if he/she/it does take an active role in our mortal lives, then he/she/it has got one hell of a sick and twisted sense of black humour.

 

Thus today's lesson is ... don't ever give the b*tch*s / b*rst*rds a fare break, cos they will only beat you with it and for ever after make your life a living misery.