In the last two weeks I have had the pleasure and honor to be invited to two wedding. Being that I am a firm believer that in almost all cases numbers and space are at a premium when it comes to weddings, so I considered it to be rude to not attend unless I already had some else equally important prebooked for that same day.
What made these two particular weddings made me feel a mixed bag of emotions was the brides and grooms. I am trying to find the words to explain this, but it is nevertheless going to come over wrong, as so often do inner emotions when you try to get them to come out.
I knew both the brides, knew them both very well, knew them both longer than the grooms had, got on incredibly well with both the brides and to quote what I was informed on one of the weddings "Well you missed your chance there!".
The truth is that there was a strong probability that I could have / should have / would have been a groom for either of these beautiful woman had I not been me. For some unfathomable reason I chose not to progress things with either of the brides when I had ample opportunity and when they showed signs of being interested in me.
I can't say it more clearly than that I am mad or perhaps deluded myself into thinking that I could do even better or maybe I am just afraid to commit. My main defence that I might venure was that at the time I had a nagging doubt that any relationship between us could last and thus I sought to protect them from any possible heartache by not starting the relationship in the first place.
And the lesser defence would be that although I care for them both deeply, want only their well being and love them as a person I didn't quite feel head-over-heels in love with them, as I have for other women.
So what am I bellyaching about then, I hear myself say, if you weren't in love with them then what the problem? The problem is that I am still single and I do want children and to get married and here are two lovely women, both of good character and background, and both liked me at one time or another and yet I did nothing about it, and now I have lost that chance forever.
The thought did occur to me to voice my "just impediment" when prompted by the vicar and then declare my undying love, but dismissed it just as quick as I knew I would never do anything to spoil their big day and also I am still unsure if I could ever truly fall in love with either of them.
But the fact remains that I happily went to two weddings, gladly toasted the good health and happiness of the bride and groom at both and yet left both reception parties early feeling more than a little sorry for myself.
I am unsure if it is better to live alone or to engage in a relationship that without true love, but what I am 100% sure of is that if ... IF ... I ever do get married I pray to all that is good in this life that my bride will truly love me half as much as I will no doubt love her, as it will utterly break my heart to know that she married me for the wrong reasons.
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