Moral Dilemma

Dilemma :- You are standing in a small queue to withdraw some money out your account at your local bank ATM.

The queue goes down until it is just you and the person in front of you at the machine.

Just as the person at the machine is about to conclude their business they get a phone call, and completely forget what they are doing and walk away with their card in their hand.

You step up to the machine but as before you are able to insert your own card, oot pops a crisp £20 from the person in fronts account, who is even now still walking away unaware of what has happened.

So ... what would you do ? ( please comment with your answers and if you chose {i} then the funnier the better ) :-

a) stare disbelieving at it for while, unable to decide if this is a trick or not while the person walks round the corner.

b) take a good look at the person to see if you find them decent / attractive and thus worth making the noble gesture of chasing after them.

c) call out to them in a loud voice, hoping that they will hear you and run back to collect it.

d) discuss the matter with the other people in the queue to see what they feel is the right thing to do.

e) slyly palm the note and continue as if nothing unusual had happened.

f) hurry up your own transaction, so as not to lose your place in the queue, intent on chasing afterwards and returning it.

g) grab the note without any hesitation and immediately run after the person to return it to them.

h) slowly complete your own transaction and loiter at the ATM for a few minutes expecting them to come back at any moment and ask after the missing note.

i) something totally different

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This did actually happen to me a few minutes ago and I chose f) - only to lose my own place in the queue and have to wait another few minutes before getting my own money !!!

...

Having had a few replies to this via email I hazard a guess at making the a very broad conclusions ( which of course are open to interpretation )

a) you are a pessimist believing nothing good ever happens to you ( probably single )
b) you are a hopeless romantic, believing that good things happen to good people and vice versa
c) you are a closet opportunist but don't want to appear too much of one in public
d) you are clearly indecisive and unable to make your own decisions ( probably married )
e) you are a very confident person and feel no regret in taking advantage of others misfortunes ( you are probably single but have had lots of affairs / one night stands )
f) you are a bit selfish and only prepared to help others if it does not inconvenience you too much
g) you are honest to a fault, the fault being that you often let others take advantage of your good nature
h) you are full of good intentions but also a worrier and prefer to do nothing than do something wrong
i) you are one in a million ... totally unique, unpredictable and noone knows the real you ( probably single )

Honesty

To lie or not to lie, that is the question?!?

There is perhaps no greater ultimate truth than the statement :-"what women say they want and what they actually like are in fact polar opposites".

Now of course, no one except me knows the full story of my sexual history, background and past relationships, along with all its relevant successes and failures, though admittedly a chosen few would come closer than most. This has been a calculated act on my part, to try and avoid too much negative attention or awkward questions, but I never really considered the full implications of deliberately misleading people into having the wrong, or perhaps the right, idea about my sexual orientations.

So it is hard for me to understate how much of a blind-sided shock to the system it was when I say that during a recent conversation with a female (who will remain nameless) she admitted that one of the main reasons why she never considered me to be of relationship material, was because I am far too straight laced and prudish to be fanciable.

Now my friend, and lodger, Leigh is always and often chastising me about sounding all cutesy and poncey on the phone when talking with women, and likewise other friends have been puzzled by my lack of forwardness with the opposite success given my past and noticeable advantage over most other guys ( no prizes for guessing what and no, I'm not a typical bloke and lying or boasting ... just ask any of my ex's, lol).

But to know that a girl whom I find devastatingly attractive, funny, clever, witty and generally hotter than a smoking fox on a roasting barbecue, has admitted that the main reason why we never became an item was because I'm just not kinky enough for her, was enough to seriously make me reconsider my approach of the last dozen years or so.

If a guy with my track record can come off as prudish and lacking in sexual desire / passion then either the world is completely and totally F.U.B.A.R, or I am, and as she wasn't the first person to mention this, I have to begin questioning my logic on whether I've been right in hiding my past as much as I do!

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm single is actually because I'm doing it to myself .. like a woman who stays with an abusive and disrespectful partner yet wonders why he keeps hitting her, when all logic and reason scream out to her to run to the hills, or better yet castrate the b*st*rd AND THEN run to the hills.

Now I'm not suggesting (or admitting) that I'm a hormonally unbalanced nympho who has to have sex four to five times a day or else begin to seriously considering r*peing the next female that crosses my path ... but ... I am 100% certain of what I am, what I've done and what I'm still capable of, so the fact that a women I am very much interested in could view me as a nerd with a negative sexual desire is too far from the mark for me to be happy or content to let continue in the old carry-on-regardless spirit of things.

Now what precisely it is that I propose to do about this I am not quite sure, as there hasn't been that many openings recently to finally start my long overdue career as a male p*rn star, but something has to give, and first off I think it shall be my apparent sickeningly cute telephone voice. and after that, well who knows, but one things for sure ... hang on world, look who's coming (and yes, that pun was fully intended, however bad it may be !).

Laughing Til I Cry

Often there is a situation or joke that you find funny at the time, but equally and quite routinely can never reproduce at a later date in its original humour.

 

At parties with my friends, they often see not if, not even how long before, but how many times they can turn me into a hysterically crying castrated sealion, unable to defend himself from even the most inept of clubbers.

 

I have many different laughs for different occasions, but the best by far is the truest, the biggest and the most natural where I just end up flapping and rolling around on the floor unable to even catch my breath amid a barrage of high pitch 'Oah, Oah, Oahing' noises that would not be dissimilar to that which you would find in any seaworld parks across the globe.

 

Although it is a natural effect, it helps if those around me are smiling and laughing also, a small but potent of alcohol is administered a few minutes prior always helps but the key ingredient is that I have to be comfortable in my surroundings and a certain trust in who I am with at the time.

 

My friends birthday party last weekend had all the key ingredients in abundance, with enough to spare for everyone else as well, and as Leigh often sets himself up as chief sealion conjurer it was not long before my eyes were beginning to glaze over slightly, which is always a sure sign of an imminent mirth induced-mental collapse.

 

However it was a very innocent charade being performed by another old school chum, Doug, who managed to bring forth from me the desired result. Apparently he was trying to mime "The Nutty Professor", but all I got is someone with what I imagined were tentacles dangling from his head and making a eerie turkey gobbling noise.

 

Not laughing whilst reading this ... I didn't think so ... I'm not whilst I am typing this, but honestly IF YOU WERE THERE you would have found it { and me } the funniest sight ever in the entire cosmos and want to join me on the floor holding your ribs and trying to remember how to breath.

 

The only less-than-upside is that I was only able to end up in this helpless state 3 times that night and equally that not more of my friends were there to see me like it, as for me it is the best feeling ever to see those you care about smile and laugh along.

 

It's better than a pay rise, better than getting my first job or house, and yes ... even better than sex ( plus on occasions my laughing has lasted longer too !!! ).

 

And it is one of the reasons why I am so happy to be me and why I love my mum so very much, as this is surely where I get a large chunk of my sense of humour from. I love my dad equally so and from him I have got my desire of wanting to make others laugh - so because of the two of them I am blessed with a wicked and warm sense of humour and the sense to both share and enjoy it.

Wedding Bells

Last weekend was a double barrel of excitiment for me, as not only was a good mate getting married but it was also my good friend and lodgers birthday party the following day.

 

The wedding was a good little function just around the corner from my place, so it wasn't too hard to get all dressed up and walk round there and then plan on staggering back a few hours later.

 

As wedding functions went it had all the usual elements of elderly gents smoking and drinking their way to oblivion a random assortment of children running amuck and playing hide and seek under the tables and a few girls on the dance floor bopping to tunes that were out of favour even when they were released back in the 60's and 70's.

 

Sadly for me, I got there a tiny bit too fashionably late and got there after my mates had all gone to confirm their hotel confirmation bookings and thus left me to the devices of old ladies hoping to matchmake another pair of singletons, the children who want someone to get their balloons down from the ceiling and the barmaids who just want to make a few tips on passing trade.

 

After about half an hour of slightly sozzled mindless chatter with my friends 7 year old son I was about to more than ready to make a subtle exit when I was relieved to see that the bride, groom and mini entourage reappeared, which in turn signalled another trip to the bar for a few more drinks.

 

A couple of hours later still I did manage to extract myself from the hubbub of merrymakers and thankfully the rain had held off enough for me to stagger, crawl and bump along the short 5 minute walk home, relieve flooding through me like never before.

 

That said, I am happy for them both, and I look forward with eagerness as to when I can inflict the same punishment on my own family and friends, ha ha ha.

Barbeque from Heaven

Following on from the other weekends birthday karaoke party, which I only really held for my friends and work colleagues who are all based in London, I held a more traditional barbeque garden party in my back garden last weekend for the rest of my family and local friends, and I could not have asked for a better result.

 

Normally at parties you have a list of people you invite, some you know will come, some you hope will make it, others in a vein hope they might fit you in and a few more you invite almost out of lip service but not holding out any real expectations for them to make it.

 

When I drew up my list, there were quite a few of the former and only a handful of the latter invites, with invites going out by email, text but mainly word of mouth.

 

Sadly my lodger is more than a little sensitive to smoke at the moment, so he and his mini entourage had already RSVP'd in the negative weeks before, which left the list politically open to all if a little bare on numbers.

 

However I was shocked, stunned and greatly pleased that almost to a man everyone that I invited turned up, and at one stage I remember saying that "barring a handful who I knew could not / would not turn up, everyone that I really care about is here in my garden right now".

 

But the absolutely greatest thing was that as I had kept the list on the smallish side, I had no constant feeling of waiting for this person or that person to arrive, and so by less than halfway through I was fully relaxed and free from doubt to simply enjoy the evening.

 

My guests had done me proud, in both numbers and the amount of food and drink that they all brought with them, and classically I ended up with more grog than I started with. What is more my friend and brother in law took turns to tend the barbeque which left me free to float and mingle between all who had arrived and settled in a myriad of mini gatherings.

 

The night was free from heated arguments or fights, nothing got broken or damaged ( so maybe it falls short of being a true party, hmmm ), different groups of friends met each other for the first time and everyone seemed to have as great a time as I did, which is perhaps the best testament to its success.

 

I was a tiny bit embarrassed for a few moments when all my sisters and mother attempted to start a new 'Springate Tradition" by getting out scissors and started to trim my overly long lawn, and so before it could become too much of a running joke I got the strimmer out and gave it a quick haircut.

 

However, now that the tradition is set, I look forward with a large dose of mischief, in being duty bound to bring along a pair of scissors to all their outdoor functions and without exception make a show of finding a least a few blades of grass longer than the rest in need of shearing.

 

By the time it got really dark, not even the heat from the barbeque or my patio heater could prevent the winds from freezing all those left huddled around the table still munching and drinking, and so we headed inside.

 

Around midnight I was fading fast, and with only a handful of guests left who were all together laughing and watching Blackadder, I had to call it a night and evict anyone that wasn't intending to stay the night and then shut up shop as it was Monday now and I had to get up for work in only a few short hours.

 

I doubt I will ever manage to repeat the success of this one, without either having the guests arriving in shifts or by moving to a larger venue, but the relaxed and carefree nature of if all has left yet another warm fingerprint in my memory and soul.

 

The morning after I was still emotional enough to send round a text to all who came, thanking them for making it a truly amazing party, and I was all the more moved when a flood of replies came back thanking me in return for inviting them ... and a few cheeky ones already asking when the next time would be.

 

I believe that if everyone had friend and family like mine, and held regular barbeques to share and spread the love then I am sure that the world would be a much greater place to live in, one where wars, crime and hatred just weren't necessary.

It's 'Delish'

The Dictionary defines the word Delicious as ;-

 

adjective - 1 having a very pleasant taste or smell

adjective - 2 describes a situation or activity that gives you great pleasure

 

However I saw an item in a shop today, that was not only advertised as delicious, but indeed even included the word in its title.

 

Now personally, for the same item I am fairly safe in my assumption that I could easily get away with all the following words to describe it and be much closer to truth as well :-

 

Dry, Hard, Flat, Smooth, Small, Cold, Oval

 

And just what is the item that provoked this blog entry !?! ... a packet of mixed fruit and vegetable seeds, such as those from a Pumpkin or Sunflower.

 

So how is it that something with virtually no actual aroma and a very minimal taste can be described as delicious? ... well if I were you I would go and ask staff at your local Boots store.

 

I can only wonder if anyone who passes these 'delicious seeds' actually believes the tag line and actually goes

 

"Oh, look ... there are some delicious seeds to nibble on. How come these say delicious but my lunch here does not? Hmmm ... I think I could really do with something delicious to eat, so I will put back my piece of fresh fruit, chocolate cake, strawberry mouse and fish sushi and swap it for this packet of seeds. Yummi, now I know I am going to truly enjoy my lunch"

 

Who are they trying to kid ... but what it worse that they obviously manage to con some people into thinking this or else they wouldn't be selling them.

 

So MY only question, is who in their right mind believes this salespeak pack of lies and actually buys a packet of seeds really considering it to be a delicious alternative to proper food at lunchtime?