I AM COMEDY !!!

I feel that I should go into being a stand up comedian, as for months now I have been dutifully supporting my nearest comedy club, and every time we go it is the same shtick.

 

My sister insists that we sit at the very front, the compare can only see so far with the lights so asks the nearest audience for their names and jobs and when the truthful answers come out, the crowd begin to laugh and the night has truly started.

 

What follows is a few more digs by at least half of the oncoming acts and somehow they manage to extract a few more chortles from the crowd before the headline act comes out and then we all go home about half an hour later.

 

What pisses me off is that a) I allow my sister to seat us at the front, b) I still am not quick enough with the heckles or comebacks - and lets face it even without the microphone I have had plenty of months notice to prep myself, c) that the rest of the audience - mostly who are regular members also - still seem to laugh at the same tired old jokes month after month and d) why I have to pay an entrance fee when it seems that without me they do not have enough material to start off the show.

 

I am very strongly considering next time taking a sign board and as the compare steps up the the mike lifting it up. I even know exactly what it will say, which is...

 

"My name is Dickon.  This is old English for Richard.  King Richard III was nicknamed Dickon.  I am an accountant.  Yes it's dead boring but the pay is good and the pension and healthcare package kicks ass.  Being an accountant is only what I do and not who I am.  The woman sitting next to me is my sister not my wife nor my girlfriend.  Her name is Nancy.  No I am not single, no she is not here tonight and no she is not waiting for me at home.  None of these facts are even remotely funny but then again neither are you, so get off my back and instead why don't you try getting some decent fecking material rather than milking me for ever last laugh you can get you pathetic excuse for a human being !! !"

 

Admittedly it would be a large sign and the words would have to be small to all fit on? Or maybe it would be better to surprise them by bringing my own portable mike and drowning them out ?!?